SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest Marine, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have your self lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Obtain ride to home.

SYMPTOM: Police Van takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:  Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:  See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:   Beer is just right.
ACTION:  Play air guitar.